Acts 10 – Suddenlies: Part 1 – Living in the Awe of God

“You can find God in anything, and you can miss Him in everything” – Ken Helser

I have been in a time of suddenlies recently. You know what I’m talking about? Those moments in the Bible we often read about when “And Suddenly, the angel of the Lord appeared before…” The suddenly moments are when God steps in and clearly marks or touches a heart. Where we look at ourselves and go, I was one way a moment ago, and now I am completely different.

I believe we are in a time of Suddenlies.

I have been hearing stories pop up everywhere of God inviting families, couples, single friends and others into sudden shifts in their life. These shifts may be physically challenging but the YES to follow Jesus into the unknown is bringing them so much joy! There is a grace to experience sudden shifts in your mentality, your daily life. 

Have you ever had a moment when you suddenly see clearly and God becomes so much bigger so much more real? And because of that all the ways you were living small become so stark, so obvious?

Wonder vs Disillusionment

3 weeks ago I experienced one such “suddenly.” I was walking in the woods with a dear friend in my life, and in just a small moment I was reminded of a part of myself that had been forgotten.

On this walk I was pouring out my heart and processing some places of pain with this friend. She listened, didn’t try to slap a bandaid on it or quote scripture- she made space for my grief and validated the pain. Friendships where there is space and acceptance regardless of what you are feeling/facing can radically change our lives! We need people like this who aren’t afraid of pain, who will get down in the dirt of our lives with us, grieve with us, and if we end up getting stuck, reach out their hand to help us out. 

I shared with my friend that at the crux of my pain, was a feeling that I had lost a sense of “wonder” in my core- the awe of the bigness and capability of God to change anything at any moment. I had lived most of my life fueled by this spirit of faith, and I was grieving that I had begun to settle, or perhaps live for less. I had a guarded part of my heart, wounded from the losses on the road, where disillusionment had set in. These 2 parts of my heart essentially ended up in a fistfight that sounded a little something like this… 

Wonder: “Anything can happen! It’s gonna get better”
Disillusionment: “Wonder, you have cost us SO much pain! You are the reason we are so disappointed with life! If we hadn’t wanted and believed so much, we wouldn’t be hurting so much!”

Wonder: “There is still beauty in the wreckage. He won’t leave us here. There is more to life than the way we are living and believing right now.”
Disillusionment: “You are a fool! You are so stupid and naive. Look at us! We are just going to keep losing! Come out of your childish ideals and fantasies of how good life can be and have a reality check!”

Wonder: “There is still magic for us. I won’t stop believing. ”
Disillusionment. “Well then at least just play it safe. Want a little less! Believe a little less. Just cap that curiosity and hope and faith. It will save us big time! Believe a little less in the goodness of God- it will keep us safe from pain!”

Wonder: “I can’t. I won’t. I know who He is. God can do ANYTHING. Risk is worth it!”
Disillusionment: “Then you’re too costly to keep around!”

...Disillusionment stuffs wonder in a bag and attempts to bury her alive…

Wonder (calling for help while being buried under mounds of dirt): “I’m trapped down here! Someone help! There is SO much more beauty and life to be lived! God will come through- I know Him, He WILL! There is more for you!”

I laugh a little personifying these parts of my process- but they are all too true! This wrestle essentially went on in my soul for months. It came to a point when Disillusionment got the best of my wonder and she suffered greatly. 

On that walk in the woods, as I described the sadness I felt at losing touch with this part of my heart, my friend asked me an insightful question. 

“Niesje – when you lived out of that “wonder” mentality, the part of you you’re so angry at…. Can you tell me – was there good fruit or bad fruit produced from living that way?”

I stared at the dirt and analyzed my life. I couldn’t answer.

“I’m guessing it’s a mixture, right?” she said  

“Yes…” I hesitated. 

The truth was- most of the best things in my life- the risks I had taken, moving overseas to do missions, following a call to start a discipleship school, taking a risk to begin leading worship, even my faith-move to Medford- almost every good thing in my life currently I could tie back to that Wonder part of me that had an awe of God and took great risks. In fact, most of my best relationships and friendships were sparked by that part too. 

And. There were also places I saw that I had been a bit naive- where I thought the promise of God would play out in a specific way, and it did not go even remotely close to how I had envisioned. Where I had been so stuck on the ideal of the dream, rather than the spirit of the dream. So there was mixture, there was nuance.

But yes, mainly good fruit!

My friend’s question and my answer surprised me. In a moment, it broke open a ceiling of belief I had been living under and suddenly, I saw the sky. I can’t tell you what exactly about her words or the way she asked her question pierced through the cave-like fortress around my heart, but something in the Spirit of God that came through her words unearthed that buried part of me in an instant. It was like a lightning bolt through concrete, and Wonder was unearthed from her buried state!

(Now, to be fair she is still gaining her strength back, and she’s taking time to be nourished and clean the dirt off from being buried down there for a while… but she’s fully here again.)

I realized I had been living in a “lesser” mentality.  I was freed from the settling I was doing. 

Settling is Self-betrayal. When we deny one part of our heart and cut it off, it creates deep anxiety in our body (even if we are not aware of it) and deep distrust of ourselves and our ability to hear God.

What you believe about your life currently is what you are believing about God. 

We can’t limit ourselves, without limiting God. 

“Oh it’s not as good as I thought.

Maybe life just is a little less good. Maybe I could want a little less, settle. 

Not dream so big. Mute those hopes a bit-  play it safe”

That my friend, is the voice of Disillusionment.

Unprocessed Disappointment leads to Disillusionment. 

Disillusionment is defined as disappointment that you feel when you realize something you thought was true isn’t, or when you realize that something you thought was good is not as good as you believed it was.

I feel that the Lord wants to highlight disillusionment to us- our worlds are full of losses, griefs, and disappointments. It is important to name it and know what it is so we can be aware when our hearts are succumbing to a life of less. 

Holding on to Hope

There is a war going on for your Hope. 

We are going to need undaunted, deep-rooted glorious Hope to walk us through the times we are in. I don’t say that with doom and gloom. I say this to prepare you, to call us out as a church, to not wait until there’s some external pressure forcing us to cultivate intimacy. 

This message is fresh for me because I’m walking out another layer of it right now.  It’s a truth that God brings me back to every time I get lost in disappointment and want to limit myself, limit hope, and limit my expectation for God.

I love Isaiah 42:3. It says “a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not snuff out; he will faithfully bring forth justice.” 

Another translation reads “…He will bring justice to all who have been wronged.”

In Israel,  it was common for reeds to grow by the Jordan river and children would cut a slot in them, and blow through them to create an instrument. When the reed was used too much, or if it became bent or crushed, it would no longer make a sound.

They also burned flax in those days, and when the wicks got too low the flax would smolder and smoke and release a bad odor. 

I love the beauty of this picture in Isaiah-  God is promising that even when life breaks us, when our hearts are crushed and we can’t even make a sound anymore….when our wick is going out and all that’s left of our flame is smoke…  That is the time He is so careful with us- He will not put us out, He will not discard us! 

He carefully and gently tends us. He is SO kind, and so patient in coaxing us back to hope where our once vibrant belief for life has been broken. 

On that day walking the woods with my friend, I felt like I was given a reset button in life. The Holy Spirit spoke through my friend’s voice to unlock me. 

Melissa Helser says “if the voice of the Lord formed the heavens and the earth surely it has the ability to recreate your inner world.”

A Suddenly…

In Acts 10 I see God come and give the church an installment of hope, a Suddenly if you will. Speaking an earth-shattering truth that changed the game for all of us, forever.

It was a miraculous moment, a divine appointment where 2 men each had a vision separately, and it ushered in the greatest explosion of the Gospel in history. And its really where our story (if you’re not jewish) begins.